E.V. Rose Online - Non-Fiction/Journal

This page came about after I came across some old journal entries I'd entered on my AOL pages and I thought you might like to see them. Written as the moment was upon me they are funny in their own way, so I hope you'll enjoy them. I'll write more as the daftness that passes for normality in my life rears it's head again. I have often said that my life with the present husband could be made into a sitcom and it could - except no-one would believe it!

18 April 2004

THE FIRST ENTRY

Well, here goes then - the very first entry in the journal. It's a typically rainy spring day here in Kent, and I know you'll believe it when I tell you it was crackin' the flags yesterday [that means it was sunny and hot]. Started raining last night and it's beltin' down now and its windy and cold ... ah well, so much for the spring.

Had the husband home for the last week [siiiiigh] and he's still off next week [on holiday] and its more than one person can bear I tell you [the cheek of it being on holiday] he's been trying a bit of destroy it yourself and although he usually does the work okay it is usually preceeded by loads of swearing, arguments, and all round bad temper etc, and I wonder idly in moments of silence [when he goes back to work] if I am the only person who suffers all this aggro just to have a shelf put on the wall, you would not believe the trouble it causes, and something which should take about an hour ends up taking the whole bleedin' day, and then there's the DIY stores. You know the story, you buy something only to get it home and ... it doesn't fit, this then adds more time and stress to the day when you realise you've got to take it back and get another one in the right size, only the store hasn't got any more of them and you're stuck, they can get another one in but they don't know when and they couldn't care less 'cos to them you're the idiot who should have measured up before you bought the damn thing and hey, they're not the ones doing the DIY after all so it's not their problem right? wrong - because you'll go elsewhere next time, and if you don't - you should.

I'm off for a lie down now before he comes home with the new blind for the back kitchen which only just fits and which will take the whole afternoon to put up, along with the air turning as blue as the tiles in the kitchen. Maybe, just maybe I'll get a chance to finish readin' the papers and watch a bit of telly before I end up batterin' him around the 'ead with a pan before I finish off doing the 1812 overture with 'em in the kitchen as I cook the tea!

Tra for now, see ya later.

19 April 2004

THE SMALL MATTER OF GETTING A REFUND

Well guys, here's the thing. Purchased a roller blind from a local company who don't refund money after seven days - ok, so you'd think the husband would fit the thing before the seven days are up yes?, - no! When it becomes apparent that there is a dirty great mark on this white blind we take it back, only it's now more than seven days and the assistant gets all huffy when we want our money back ... stupidly I let husband go in and deal with them and he comes out after about half an hour with ... a credit note!!

I'm still in the car because I can't walk far, or stand for too long and I don't do 'stress' very well so I sent him back in to demand our money back and he gets them to replace the blind with one from Ashford in Kent and it will be here the next day ... ok, so all we can do is wait.

The next day dawns and he goes to get the replacement blind, gets it home, unwraps it and the silver bar at the bottom of the blind is falling apart, we want to cry but stoically we don't. Husband calls the store to be told they can replace the bar ... so off he goes to get it. Then when he gets back, we start unpacking the blind and start getting ready to fix it ... except where the bar had been damaged it has rolled over the blind leaving dirty, rusty type marks allover it. Now, I can hear you asking why didn't you check all this before, and dear reader, I'll tell you why. When the husband is aeriated, you let him do his own thing as it means a less stressful day all round, he did not want to check the blind saying: "It'll be okay" which is a sure sign that it won't be.

We decide to leave the thing until today, which is Monday, and call again. Husband phones store and remonstrates with them [and I'm almost impressed by it - seriously, you'd have to live with him to know what it's like! - and I will tell you more about that another day] suffice to say that if he can cock a situation up then he will go right ahead and do so!

Meanwhile the store is still maintaining no refunds, so, after a little coaching from me Husband asks to speak to the manager, manager's not there, so he speaks to an assistant, quotes the 1979 sale of goods act whereupon a customer is entitled to his money back if the goods are not able to perform the job for which they have been sold, regardless of their 'store policy.' Store says they need to check with their Area Manager and they will call back in half an hour. Half an hour goes by and 'surprisngly' no call, ho-hum. Husband gets back on phone and is told they are waiting from a call from the AM, Husband says not good enough and suggests he stays on the line while they call the AM - success, after a few more minutes holding AM agrees to refund Husband's money 'on this occasion.' 'On this occasion' means just that as we have no intention of ever shopping with them again, ergo their credit note was useless also.

Oh, and one more thing after we'd sent the blind back, we noticed the window we are trying to fit it to is not straight, yes the window has been put in crooked so who knows if we'll ever get a blind to fit.

Happy Christmas!

THE REPLACEMENT ROLLER BLIND SAGA

Si-i-i-g-g-g-h-h-!!! we have now purchased a new roller blind after getting our money back from the last one. This new blind is white with swirly silver patterns on [note to self: do not look at this blind after you have just had a migraine]

We get to almost putting it up and notice that this too has a dirty mark on it [not caused by us I can assure you], also the hem at the base of the thing is grossly uneven, [are these things not checked anymore - what ever happened to quality control I hear you ask]

Now we are beginning to think that there are no pristine white roller blinds left in Kent, however, if you know different then please send answers on the back of a postage stamp to .... well you know what I mean! It is getting ridiculous to say the least now, so here we are a week later and still no blind on the back kitchen window. We started to put this up today because earlier we were trying to install the new computer [whaddya mean you don't know anything about that ... oh, wait a minute I haven't told ya about the new computer have I, well that's for another day because that too has it's problems] - I told you at the beginning of these missives that my life is not easy, and if you didn't believe me then well you must surely believe me now right? So, there we were installing everything and the power goes off, yes that's right - here in the bustling metropolis that is the south east of England and the 21st century no less, we have yet another power cut, stupid isn't it in this day and age but there you are, hey ho life in England, aint it just peachy?? So not wanting to waste time I says to husband "well lets do the blind" and then all the problems start. This blind too has to go back [a different store this time and one with normal returns policies so we should be ok] Then we have to go somewhwre else to see why we've had the wrong computer monitor delivered [sigh] is it just me? or does anyone else have the same problems with everything going wrong at once ... ah well, back to the darkened room to sleep off the remnants of the migraine.

Ta-ra for now...

IF IT'S NOT DUFF ROLLER BLINDS, IT'S PANS!

Well, by now I'm feeling it is just me! Last week when the husband was home I opted for a set of pans [opted? yes - good word that, rather like frock - which is another good word] from a well known retailer, no not Argos - the other one. They arrived in good time, but are all bashed about because the box is battered too, sadly I call the company and am told I can take them back to one of their shops and get a refund if I'd like, or I can have another replacement. I opted for the replacement as I really didn't know how I could get a refund from one of their stores when I had purchased the pans over the phone - interesting scenario don't you think ... walk into a store and ask for a refund carrying a box of pans I've ordered from their store ... no receipt, they tell me I was having them on ... or words to that effect and then they'd tell me where to go dear reader, as I'm sure you know. Anyhoo, to cut a long story and all that ...I unpack the second lot and they seem fine except that the round wok isn't round more of a pear shape on one side but hey I'm not picky [much] and can live with a mis-shapen wok [well, there are worse things going on in the world]. Started cooking in them a few days later, now bearing in mind these pans are all meant to be non stick too, I was made up [scouse term] until I began stirring the meat sauce I'd just made and it was stuck to the bottom of the pan, as were the carrots and other vegtables in the other pans. Disaster! Black bits of non stick pan in my food - urgh. Now, it had taken me a while to do this as I'm not able to stand for long periods and have to do any form of cooking, washing up etc in relay so I was not pleased to say the least to have to sling the lot and start again.

I rang the company to complain and was told that I could have another set, or a refund. I asked about taking them back to the nearest store and was laughed at. "We don't do that Madam" I was told so I argued back [well you have to ... and don't call me Madam] and they started throwing their toys out of the pram and I had to tell them that I was merely repeating what I was told by them, I ended up by saying they should all learn to sing from the same songsheet or whatever the current metaphor is these days. So, upshot is the pans went back, I have called in again now that they have gone back and a refund is pending.

In fact, the only nice thing about this company was the delivery driver ;)

04 May 2004

COMING OVER ALL ARTISTIC

Here's a little ditty I wrote earlier on for my rescue border collie - Aspen, though he's hardly likely to be interested and cares even less ... nevertheless here goes ... and forgive me dear reader for waxing lyrical, it happens sometimes so there!

For Aspen (my dog)

What are you asking my friend
when you lay there and gaze up at me
your eyes the colour of soft golden toffee
what are you asking me to see

Never questions my actions
just follows wherever I lead
a constant, perpetual shadow
my protector in times of need

A headstrong, unruly young child
is what you appear to be
in dog years, you are only two
in our years, a teenager to me

You'll do what I ask of you, sometimes
other times I'm ignored with contempt
but as long as you're always happy
then I will be always content

Sometimes you seem like a dancer
or prancing around like a horse
checking perimiter fences
it's your territory now of course

Bounding about, a bark and a shout
to tell everyone you've arrived
but they all must beware for it's you who decides
who comes in, at what time and where

A bark and a lick and a wag of the tail
a warm bed and regular food
I bet he's probably dreaming
"Man, I've never had it so good."

© E.V. Rose 2004 - Not to be reproduced without permission

And now ... its time to go back to normality [or what passes for it in our house]

HUSBANDS AND FAXES

Today, dear reader, was the day in which we tried to receive a fax on our new fax machine. It has been set up according to the manufacturers instructions and everything seemed fine - it's one of those all singing, all dancing gizmos which almost, but not quite, makes the tea! Everything on it works - except for receiving faxes ... or so we thought. See, this machine is supposedly so clever that it interacts with the modem and the answering machine attached to the main phone line - good eh? ... well, no as it happens because we've since found out that the answerphone has to be disabled - this fax gizmo is meant to 'eavesdrop' on the ringing tone and the minute it hears the fax noise then it is supposed to wait for the answerphone to answer the phone [strangely enough] at which point it flexes its electronic muscles, wades in and interrupts the answerphone and says 'it's for me thank you very much' and proceeds to over-ride said answerphone to receive the fax [it doesn't really speak you understand, that was just to illlustrate the point].

I then get on the phone to the husband [he's at work] and tell him no fax arrived. He tells me that his machine says it was delivered and so it must be there ...but it isn't. So, we muse, what could be happening ... much perplexment [if such a word exists and if not,, then I've just invented it] furrowing of brows and fingers caressing chins etc etc [you get the picture] - then he pipes up with "Do you think I needed to dial 9 for an outside line?"

Now, dear reader, I'm not sure if you're aware that this is akin to your computer not working and you ask the engineer who has travelled a fair distance to get you "Does it need to be plugged in?"- All I can say here is AAAARRRRRRRRRGGGHHHH" honestly, he would give two short planks a bad name!!

So, he puts the 9 in front of the number and hey presto [answerphone off] a fax comes flooding in - wah hey I hear you cry, but wait! it still isn't working properly because the answerphone and the fax machine should be talking to each other and coexisting in harmonious good humour - as it is they are in a state of armed neutrality, not speaking to each other and remaining quietly opposed to each other as they sulk in different areas of the same room, occasionally breaking the monotony to glare maliciously at each other, and me ... I'm stuck in the middle ... h---e---l---p..........

THE STRANGE CASE OF THE HUSBAND CHANGING THE DUVET COVER

It is true what they say you know! that men and duvet covers don't mix.

At the weekend, I decided to change the duvet cover in our respective rooms. Not being able to sit or stand for too long because of the back probs, the husband asks if he could help. 'Well' I thought, 'that's a no-brainer for a start, hinder more like' - but what the hey, I needed someone there and as he was the only other bod in the house then reluctantly, and not being spoilt for choice, agreed. So, up we go and I manage quite nicely despite his 'help' to get the duvet cover changed in about ten minutes. He pipes up and states that he can do 'his' room, won't take long he says ...

Three quarters of an hour later, there is still no sign of him coming downstairs, so I have to get up and go back upstairs to find him head first inside the thing, cursing and muttering like it was going out of fashion. I stood in the doorway and sighed - well, what else could I do - he was only trying to put a single duvet into a double cover and wondering why it wouldn't fit. I told him there and then what I am telling you dear reader, that men and duvet covers do not mix [I'm sure there's a song title in there somewehere but I haven't got time right now]

The upshot of this was that I sent him out of the spare room, put the right duvet cover on and was back downstairs in about ten minutes. Meanwhile, he slunk out to the kitchen and made us both a cup of tea, [there are those amongst us who would quite rightly say that is all he's probably good for, and at this precise moment I wholeheartedly agree].

05 April 2004

MY MOTHER - AN ASPIRING MRS MALAPROP

Had a phone call last week from my dear ole mum, who lives miles away from me in North Wales and is now in her seventies, and I'm not exactly sure that age has anything to do with this but she'll come out with the most ridiculous sayings [I'm sure your mum is the same] - like, she'll belch loudly down the phone (I know!!) and then say she's only eating red grapes this week because white grapes give her wind!! - and she's deadly serious. She has a killer laugh and if you heard it, you wouldn't be able to help yourself, it's hilarious - see, she will laugh at something like the rest of us [and usually at the same time as the rest of us] then about half an hour later she'll remember the thing again and roar laughing, and she can't stop! Try as you might to ignore it, you can't - you'll be laughing yourself after a while and the best part is ... when it's all died down and a sort of normalcy returns, I'll say to her "So what were you laughing at?" and it starts her off all over again - genius.

AND NOW FOR SOME NEWER ENTRIES

This entry chronicles my rather 'unconventional' visit to my local hospital for an MRI scan. It's a little bit different to the above entries but y'know if there's any scrap of humour to be found in any of this you can rest assured I'll find it; here goes:-

15 January 2008

THE CURIOUS CASE OF THE MRI SCAN, THE 'FASHION EXPOSE' AND THE PROBLEMATICAL PILLOW

Bearing in mind this isn’t the first of this type of scan I’ve had at, well let’s just call it C.Diff General, but this is certainly the worst bar none. Why are patients these days treated as an inconvenience? I asked to have a pillow to lie on as I did last time to be told that it wasn’t possible because I would be ‘too far away from the coils’ (no, me either) this, despite two pillows in the room! I told the woman I’d had my previous scan with a pillow and the consultant read the result ok, I even saw a copy myself so I know it was ok, but they wanted to impose their rules and said I had to have their bit of foam under me or ‘we abandon the scan.’ I remonstrated and was getting a bit annoyed by now as it was the previous scanner who gave me the pillow to lie on when I couldn’t just lie on the metal bed. They have no idea of the distress they cause when they threaten to abandon scans etc, this woman even told me she understood my back problems because she had sacroiliitis! I can tell you dear reader that if you've ever had that you cannot walk when it strikes so I took this with a huge pinch of salt, yep, even bigger than that. Anyway, this one goes to get her superintendent who tries to be a bully (wrong thing to do with me) and says ‘You had the foam last time, not a pillow.’ This guy obviously failed psychic in school because he wasn’t even there last time I had my scan and I DID have a pillow, I suggested he check with the consultant at which point he raises his arms slightly (not quite a hands thrown up in the air in horror, but nearly) and says ‘oh give her the pillow.’ Whatever happened to respecting the patient, not only is it implied that I am a liar but they treat me like an inconvenience to boot.

Oh, and I should have known it would only end in tears, mine unfortunately because of the pain of this thing, when the consultant was trying on his new trousers in the only changing room for the patients who were waiting to use it, and then coming outside to show everyone! No, I’m not kidding, you just couldn’t make this stuff up!

I'm seriously thinking of writing along their banners that they proudly erect everywhere there's a blank space of wall, you know the ones: 'Abuse of NHS Staff will not be tolerated' with 'Abuse of Patients by NHS Staff will not be tolerated either.' Works BOTH ways y'know.